Why it’s OK to have regrets

The sayings that come to mind when the subject of regrets arises are essentially all in agreement that you should never have them. 

“No regrets”

“Life’s too short to have regrets”

“Everything happens for a reason.” 

These ideas definitely hold some value. They encourage you not to dwell on your past mistakes, and suggest that you might not be the person you are today if you hadn’t been through those experiences. That can be really comforting for some people.

But what if some of the mistakes you made really were mistakes, perhaps that set you back somehow in your life? Surely recognising that is part of growth and self-development, right? I suppose you could argue that the very fact that you’ve learned from them and grown as a person having made those mistakes is the reason you shouldn’t regret them in the first place. 

It’s an interesting one, though. As we all have, I’ve made some mistakes in my time – some minor, some huge. I’ve tried pretty hard to view my life through the “no regrets” lens, but I can’t quite get myself to believe it. So I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s perfectly acceptable to have regrets, if you have the right mindset about them and don’t use them as a reason to beat yourself up. I think it’s important to acknowledge how you feel, nail down what you’ve learned and then resolve to either avoid making the same mistake again, or become a better version of yourself from the experience.

I’ve come up with my top 3 life regrets so far, the ones that have made a significant impact on my life, and tried to work through this process to illustrate what I mean.

1. I regret my first marriage and subsequent divorce.

This is probably my biggest regret in life. It’s not even just the marriage/divorce I regret, it’s actually the way I handled the whole thing. I’ve not posted the full story about my divorce yet; it’s coming, but it’s quite a painful one and writing it is proving to be difficult. But in a nutshell, we were young and I was definitely guilty of not actually thinking about what I was getting myself into. I wasn’t ready for marriage and unfortunately I realised this a little too late. In a panic, I buried my head in the sand about this and ended up treating my husband really quite badly. He didn’t deserve it. My actions caused a lot of pain for him, but also within both of our families and quite honestly for myself too. 

What have I learned?

• I stand by my decision to leave, but actually I should have been honest much earlier on and not gone through with the wedding in the first place. 
• I’ve also learned how to understand my own feelings, so that I know more instinctively when something doesn’t feel right. This may just be part of growing up and maturing naturally, but I’m perhaps more sensitive to these feelings having been through something like this. I’ve made a conscious effort to be more honest with myself and prospective partners, and to communicate when things aren’t going well. 
• Going through this experience has also given me some knowledge to pass on to younger family members or close friends when they need advice. 
• I’ve become less judgemental of people, having been through a situation like this, knowing that it’s not always black and white, good guy vs bad guy.

How might my life be different if I’d not been through this?

If I’d not gone through with the wedding, I do believe that although painful in the short term, it would have been less painful overall for everyone involved. I also think it might have had less impact on my life choices in the years that followed. I stayed with someone for quite some time afterwards who was completely wrong for me and it wasn’t the happiest of times. I don’t think I’d have done this if I hadn’t had the experience I did.  

The bottom line

Ultimately, I’m happy with where my life is now. I’m married to a good man and we’re starting a family together. I still have this regret, it’s valid and part of my life, but I’ve processed it and learned from the experience. It doesn’t consume me any more, and I now use it as a reminder of how I’ve grown, and to spur me on to continue growing as a better person.

2. I regret getting into credit card debt.

This problem started quite soon after my husband and I seperated. I’ve never been great with money, but I had moved in with him when I was still a university student and he had a full time job, so he took care of all the bills. I just contributed what I could for things like food/petrol. I must have been incredibly naive because when I left and needed to get a flat of my own, the amount you had to account for in terms of council tax, utility bills, furniture, was all a big shock to me. I had nothing saved, so in my haste to leave, I put everything on credit cards. I had a fair credit rating at that point so got good interest deals on them, and it just felt like free money. I went out all the time, booked holidays, without ever stopping to think seriously about when I was going to realistically pay all this back. I guess it was partly because I wasn’t in a good place, mentally, but was incredibly stupid of me. Over ten years later, I’m still feeling the after effects of this. I’m in a much better situation now but it will still be a couple of years until I am debt free, and it’s had a significant impact on my life. 

What have I learned?

That credit cards are most certainly not free money. They should only be used:

• in emergency
• for one-off purchases when you can afford to pay it off before your interest rate deal expires
• when you can realistically settle the balance in full each month
• I’ve learned a lot about budgeting too and living within your means. I’m still not a great saver, but it’s probably because I’m still paying off chunks of debt each month!

How might my life be different if I’d not been through this?

I would almost certainly be a homeowner now! Now in my mid-thirties with the prospect of a growing family to support, this would certainly be a better position to be in than my current one. We’re paying a lot of money in rent – at least £200-300 more than if we owned – and can’t afford to save enough to reach a viable deposit at the moment because so much of my monthly outgoings is swallowed up by loan repayments. We are comfortable enough and don’t struggle to make ends meet, but planning for the future is difficult.   

The bottom line

There’s a light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve learned about the value of money the hard way, and ultimately I made my bed, so I have to lie in it. In roughly 18months-2 years I should be essentially debt-free, if my circumstances don’t change, and then I’ll be able to start saving properly. Getting myself out of this situation will feel like an incredible sense of achievement. I wish I could go back and warn my 23 year old self, but I have a feeling she probably wouldn’t listen to me anyway! I’ll definitely make an effort to educate my future kids on this so they know the risks. I know also that buying a property isn’t the be-all and end-all. But for me it’s an investment for the future, one that feels important. 

3. I regret never getting a real handle on my weight.

I suppose this is a bit of an odd one, because actually it sounds final when it isn’t. It’s never too late to get a handle on your lifestyle and make a difference for the better! But I’m probably coming at it from a frustrated perspective seeing as I’ve been so close, so many times, and it’s only going to get harder the older I get. I’ve never been skinny, and to be honest I’d never want to be, but I’ve been slim and healthy many times. It’s not my default though, which is probably always 2-3 stone overweight. It’s not so big that it really hits you when you look at me, but it’s significant enough to perhaps have a lasting impact on my health if it stays that way for too long. I’m kind of a perpetual dieter, and always have success when I put my mind to it, so I know for a fact I can do it. I’m a relatively intelligent person and I know the science: eat less, move more, in a nutshell. I just find it so difficult once I’m out of that motivational mindset to stay on track, and end up putting on all the weight I’ve lost, often more. It’s a vicious, draining circle. I also know that being heavier isn’t the worst thing a person can be and I’m all for body positivity. This is a personal thing for me and my own health. Especially as I’m getting older and starting a family – I want to make my health more of a priority so I’m around longer. 

What have I learned?

• I am a bit all-or-nothing. I’m either dieting by the book, or paying little attention to my eating/exercising habits. I need to find the right balance for me as it’s not sustainable
• Diets work, and they work well – but they have a shelf life. I’ve not found one in 15 years that has lead to lasting results  
• Weight is not everything. This issue has been a point of irritation and frustration throughout much of my adult life, but it’s never defined me. I’m still confident and can feel attractive even at my heaviest, but it’s something I’d like to improve for my future health

How might my life be different if I’d not been through this?

Well, the brutal truth is I’d be healthier and potentially have a better life expectancy, although of course no one can know that for sure. I’d feel a little more comfortable in daily life – able to fit into smaller clothes, possibly with more energy and a generally better sense of wellbeing. It would probably mean even more confidence, too. 

The bottom line

This one doesn’t have to still be a regret in another thirty or so years. I could use the knowledge I’ve got now and start to make improvements so I can actually scratch this regret off, or turn it into an achievement. As I’ve implied throughout this post – we are starting a family, and that takes its toll on the female body so it’s probably going to be harder, but it will be worth it. I just need to tap into the sweet spot of a healthy, balanced lifestyle while still enjoying my life. I’ve quit smoking before, I took up running a couple of years ago and saw some successes with that, I know I have this in me!

I’ve honestly got loads of regrets. The three above are probably the ones that I feel have impacted my life the most, but when I think about some of the jobs I haven’t taken, trips I didn’t go on, people I’ve slept with (or didn’t…!), the projects I never finished – or started, I could probably write a whole book about them. I think it’s really important to reflect on your life and acknowledge those nagging feelings of regret, not to wallow over or use as a reason to berate yourself, but as a learning opportunity. 

Those who say you shouldn’t have regrets in the first place would probably agree with some of my reasoning here, arguing that you wouldn’t have gained these learning opportunities if you hadn’t had the experience in the first place, meaning the regret is negated. They have a point, but I don’t think it always applies, and it’s okay to admit that. We all make mistakes, and it takes a well-rounded person to look back and say, “you know what? I could have handled that better.”

What do you think? Is there a valid place for regrets in your life, or do you prefer a different outlook?

Thanks for reading. 

XD