And how to deal with them…
Break ups are horrible, right? Unless they’re not. Come on, most of us have had one of those. You wake up the next day as the “old you,” rubbing your eyes in a daze, wondering where the hell the past few months (or years if you’re really unlucky/stupid – like me) went. Those are probably the best ones, apart from the slight shame you might feel about your potentially dubious choice of partner for so long, and you might have to endure some ribbing from family and/or friends for a while.
Pretty much all other types of break-up are quite awful, though, and it takes a lot to get through them, whether you’re the instigator or the recipient (for want of a better term). Here are my thoughts on some of the most common ones you’re likely to have had some sort of experience of by the time you get to your thirties, and how to deal with them if you’re currently going through one.
- The Long-Time-Coming
This one is probably the most common, actually. You find a lot of these occurring around the mid-to-late twenties, when couples who’ve been together since sixth form, or the first year of uni, suddenly realise they don’t have a lot in common any more, or that their shared history just isn’t enough to base their future on.
Symptoms:
- You’re starting to see and think of them more and more as a best friend or a close family member than a romantic partner
- Thinking of them cheating on you doesn’t make you feel hot with rage, or fantasise about committing physical injury
- You’re having sex less and less
- You have conflicting priorities and ideas about the future
- Maybe you’re starting to find other people attractive in ways you haven’t for a long time
Cure: Chances are, if you’re feeling this way, the other person is too – but sometimes they’re in denial, and have got into a comfort zone in the relationship that feels scary to have taken away. You need to make sure you get your feelings across in an honest and compassionate way, but one that doesn’t allow any room for interpretation or false hope (yeah, I didn’t say this was an easy one). The other problem that often comes in this type of break up is that there are often a lot of mutual friends and close family ties that will all be hurt by the split too. Try and handle it as delicately as you can, but don’t compromise your own happiness. Everyone else will get over it eventually, and even if they’re upset, they will be able to see that it’s better that you end it before you start resenting each other. Whatever you do, don’t try and fix it by getting married and starting a family. That’s never going to end well.
2. The Catastrophe
Funnily enough, it’s not unusual for this one to follow a “long-time-coming” style break up. This is a toxic relationship which often occurs because you’ve decided to step outside of your usual “type” and go for someone totally different. Maybe you’re in an experimenting phase, trying to fix something, figure yourself out and/or find exactly what you want. Lust can be a major culprit in starting this one off in the first place, especially when it’s so strong it can be easily mistaken as love.
Symptoms:
- You feel you have an “amazing connection” with them, but it’s mainly restricted to the bedroom
- You have explosive arguments that are unresolvable without resorting to name-calling and verbal abuse
- You’ve started questioning what it is you love about them, and come up blank
- Your friends and family don’t like them
- You struggle to see yourself building a future with them, and feel that at your core, you’re on different wavelengths
Cure: This definitely has the potential to become a messy one, and unfortunately you’re not going to be able to completely control all of this. “Catastrophe” style break-ups often occur because the relationship is fiery, and this is also something you’ve probably been using as a weak justification for your blow-out arguments for too long. Sometimes you really just need to cut ties, make a clean, swift break and don’t entertain anything they may try to pull. Make sure you’ve got somewhere to go, if you were living together, and a friend or family member to support you and be on ex-alert. Your ex will definitely try all the tricks in their arsenal, and after having been in this unhealthy dynamic for a while, they’ll know all the buttons to push to get a reaction out of you. Hold your head high, be the bigger person, and don’t give them the satisfaction. Be prepared for them to try a lot of different avenues to try and reach you – they’ll want to open up any communication, even if it’s poisonous. At some point they’ll probably find a new relationship extremely quickly, and try flaunting it to you or to people they know will report back to you. It’s important you don’t lose your resolve and stick to your guns. This is likely to be painful for a while, but soon you’ll breathe such a satisfying sigh of relief.
3. The Break Up Where You Weren’t Even Together
Why is it that this one hurts almost as much as a break up with someone you’ve been with for years? This mysterious phenomenon is an odd one. It sometimes occurs quite soon after another break-up, on either side, and although you were never actually in a relationship, you may have been spending a lot of time with the person or started to become emotionally invested, and then it all ends abruptly. I’m talking about this one from the receiving end, but of course it can be flipped too – and the two positions are wildly different! It’s often a case of wrong timing, when one person is just in a completely different place to the other.
Symptoms:
- If you’re on the receiving end, you probably start to notice less contact, and less availability for meeting up
- You’re probably initiating most of the chat
- Your conversations always stay on the light-hearted side, and they steer away from mentioning anything too far into the future
- If you’re on the instigating end, you’re the one avoiding contact, dodging messages/calls, and finding you want to pull away before you get in deeper than intended
Cure: You need to step away from WhatsApp. It’s a downhill spiral when you start getting blue-ticked and then find yourself obsessively opening the chat every half an hour to see if they’ve been online since. It does nothing for your self-esteem and no good can come from it. If you can stomach it, call them out directly and tell them how you feel. If you can’t, you simply need to drop it and move on. It hurts, but it’s kinder to yourself in the long run. There’s no point chasing someone who isn’t into you the way you’re into them. If you’re the one on the other side, I’d strongly advise growing a uterus/pair of balls – delete as appropriate – and being honest with the other person, rather than skirting around it like a coward. Just tell them that it’s not the right time for you, don’t leave that blue tick hanging in their face for days. It’s the respectful thing to do and trust me, they’ll get over it – you’re not going to break them.
4. The Cheater
This is an interesting one as it can also be an overlap, or symptom, of any of the other break up types mentioned. From my experience and what I’ve seen, it’s rare that someone simply cheats within an otherwise happy relationship. More often than not, there have been pre-existing issues that led to that point and arguably are the main reason for the break-up, but cheating is the nail in the coffin, so to speak.
Symptoms:
- Your partner is out more often than in, being sneaky with their phone, perhaps starts dressing or acting differently
- The sex might completely disappear
- They either become more distant with you or overly nice
- If you’re the cheater, you’ve possibly already ended the relationship in your head to justify what you’re doing, and the third person is just the catalyst
Cure: People have differing opinions on this. I’ve heard of couples saying cheating saved their relationship – opening up issues that were not previously communicated, and enabling them to build on them together. Some people can find it within themselves to forgive and move on after an affair. But since this post is all about break-ups, in my opinion it’s almost always the only option. Of course there may be anomalies, but in my experience when one party strays, the relationship will never be the same again. If you’ve been cheated on, it can be incredibly upsetting and detrimental to your self-esteem. The best way to move on from this is to remind yourself of your self-worth and hold your head high. If you’re the cheater, which I’m quite ashamed to say I’ve been in the past, you need to sit back and think about why you’ve done this. Then you owe it to your partner to either break up or ‘fess up.
5. The Fork In The Road
Think Monica Geller and Richard Burke in Friends, for this one. It’s when actually, in your heart, you really don’t want to break up because you’re head-over-heels in love with someone. But your head tells you that it’s the right thing to do because you want different things. This one often comes slightly later on, perhaps in your very late twenties or early-mid thirties, when you’re not satisfied with just having casual fun any more, and you’ve got your sights on how you’d like your future to pan out.
Symptoms: You love each other, but you can’t agree on what your future will look like together. This could be related to where you live, marriage, having kids, anything – but it’s the big decisions that neither of you can compromise on.
Cure: You simply have to put yourself first, otherwise the relationship will more than likely end in resentment. This is the one out of all the list that I’ve not experienced myself, but my very best friend has, and it was the deepest heartbreak I’ve ever witnessed (and I’ve been through a messy divorce in my twenties!). However, I’m in awe of how she put herself first, made a very difficult decision to end a relationship with someone she loved very much, and got through the pain of the break up without losing her resolve. At the low points she definitely questioned her decision, but it’s clear it was the right one. These break-ups hurt like hell, but you’ll emerge a stronger and more rounded person with an incredible sense of self-respect after it.
So, if you’re going through a break-up right now my sympathies are with you – just know that time is a healer, and also chocolate and wine are both excellent at helping in the short term.
What are your thoughts; have I missed any big ones out? Have you got any tips to add from your own experience?
Thanks for reading.
XD
Thirty Secrets 