Before I start it’s crucial to establish that this post typically applies to a bad hangover, but not one of those earth-shattering, brain-throbbing, bowel-churning, existential, I’m-such-a-horrible-scumbag hangovers that you get after one of those really significantly heavy boozing sessions. To be honest everyone has to deal with those in their own way – personally I need to barely move, have immediate access to a bathroom, minimal human interaction, sleep lots and drink plenty of fluids. But for the more common hangovers, I have a series of steps that I can thoroughly recommend giving a go.
Step 1 – Hydrate
Ideally this step starts before you go to bed, so depending on how pissed you are, glug a good pint of water or two before face-planting on your bed/sofa/random stranger’s crotch.
Pro tip: If you REALLY want to avoid a hangover, you should actually start this even earlier. On a boozy night I find that if I down a glass of tap water every time I go to get my round in, it really helps, preferably out of sight of my drinking peers to avoid hollers of abuse/shocked questioning. This is something I definitely wouldn’t have done in my twenties.
Step 2 – Sleep and a paracetamol
For me, this one really is crucial. If you can squeeze in a minimum of 5-6 hours (6 is even pushing the feeling of normality for me these days), you have a much better chance of avoiding that dizzy, heavy sense that your brain may start to leak out of your ears. If you have work the next day, this one can be the deal-breaker, so plan for it if you can, or have a backup option i.e. working from home, getting the later train in, or if it’s really bad, throwing a sickie. Of course if you haven’t got to work, simply go back to bed until your brain feels like a normal size again or till your eyes stop bulging out of your head.
Step 3 – Caffeine and more hydration
When you’re awake, I would recommend having at least 3 beverages on the go at all times – one should be caffeinated, one should be a cold, sugary or fruity type – my go-to’s here are apple juice, Dr Pepper, orange juice with lemonade, and Ribena. The third should be water.
Step 4 – Stodge
As mentioned at the start – this one depends on the type of hangover you have, but for a common bad one, I would strongly recommend a McDonald’s double sausage and egg McMuffin breakfast meal, with hash brown and Tropicana. Standard sausage/bacon sarnies also work, as well as the ever dependable full English. If you’re looking for more of a lunch or evening meal, then it’s got to be pizza. Essentially you’re looking for saltiness, grease, and/or cheese.
Step 5 – Vitamin C
You may not fancy this, but if you can have an orange or a Berocca, it will definitely perk you up a little.
Step 6 – Orgasm
The Hangover Horn is something that affects 80%* of the British population, but there are some people who find the last thing they want to do is shag when hanging. Of course you don’t need another person to get to your destination, though, so I would strongly recommend having an orgasm by any means. When you’re in the zone for those blissful moments your hangover disappears completely, and when you’re finished you’re left with precious endorphins. Do it.
Step 7 – Shower
Have a nice, long luxurious shower – you’ll honestly feel ten times better after it, especially if you’ve completed all the other steps beforehand. Don’t be tempted to have a bath though – it’s too risky on a hangover. If you run it too hot, you’ll feel sick and claustrophobic and will be sweating as soon as you get out.
Step 8 – Hair of the Dog
This is another one that would not be considered on a proper demon hangover, but on most it’s very effective. I suggest something light and refreshing, preferably not something that got you into this state in the first place. My go-to’s here: gin and tonic, fruity cider, Aperol Spritz.
By this time, if you are still feeling ropey it’s time to go rogue – throw in a wildcard (shot of Jagermeister?), some might suggest going to the gym or for a run to “sweat it out” (hurl), repeat any of the above steps, or you could probably just get back on it.
Any top tips that I’ve missed? Let me know in the comments!
Happy drinking.
XD
*Statistic may be untrue and/or exaggerated
Thirty Secrets 